Utter Bollocks and a Guinea Pig called Clark!

So im sat here, my legs crossed with Clark layed in between them, watching some pointless show on E4 and swimming in my step dads old shirt. Anyway, lately ive been begging the mother for a pet, to which she refused, (many a time) but finally i managed to persuade her, with the use of a rooftop building and hospital gown. So they went to get him today, where the lady at the checkout of 'pets at home' thinking she was a new form of jesus for the animal world, spent half an hour lecturing the parent and step-parent on how to feed him and keep him active. While telling me this i couldn't help but exclaim 'Or it's alright, did you tell her we have plenty of house hold pets jogging it up down our way. Old Paula Ratcliffe. WHATTA STAR!' No, because we dont, im not an active person, therfore my pet isn't, the nearest he'll get to excercise is when i start training him to go for peoples necks.

Madonna, Ahh, the topic of the OAP aspiring dancer and shithouse of an actress, was in my paper today, sporting some peporami looking arm vains. What is going on with this woman, first she stars in 'Evita' thinking shes the new Audrey Hepburn, well i suppose she is, now Audreys dead, Madonnas performance is exactly like her. Then, she pops out Lourdes, who is 13 years old and the daughter of a possible billionaire and style icon, yet she hasn't been taught how to pluck those eyebrows, all things considered, i had a unibrow when i was born but i had so much head hair by the time i turned 2 months old my mum cut me a fringe to conceal her hairy childs brow. Yet Madonna cant just say to her daughter 'Listen Love, i have a reputation to keep intact, im trying to keep an image and no matter how beautiful you are, im your mother its my duty to tell you that and to tell you to get that brow plucked cos theres some serious f'ugliness going off' SIMPLE Madge!, then she goes and adopts twelve kids from Malawi, which i do think is a nice gesture to try and save the less fortunate BUT BOTH KIDS HAVE PARENTS... their not orphans, both actually have fully fucntional and certainly not-dead parents. And now she's taken it to the next level, that justin timberlake 4 minutes video sickened me (that baske!) who did she think she was jigging up and down that checkout, you dont see me jamming it up in Netto, then jumping down holding a pack of haribo and saying 'Thats it love'. NO!, but the arm thing, its over Madge, theres no respect any more, for gods sake woman you sung LIKE A PRAYER, you could have been a legend for JUST being a singer. Not some dancing-acting-monobrow-child-spurting-kid-abducting-curly-wurly-armed-singing-misfit-with-one-name-who-now-has-a-toyboy-called-jesus...No!

It was a certain Mr Wilson (not PE), who persuaded me to make another post, because he's such a pain in the arse. I was happily playing on farm town, but i had to leave my harvests for a few minutes to write this.

So any suggestions for what i should do over the holidays, i need something new. Iv'e been off school for a week and in the first weekday off i spent all day watching come dine with me on More4, playing marjong and eating 6 bags of minstrels accompanied by a day year old bottle of yazoo..I have issues people, my life consists of a giant nothingness filled only by this blog..so give me some ideas or tell me what your doing on your holidays.. If you cant leave it here let me know on facebook, and i might even write about it on my next post.

Harry Potter and Dumbledore 'The Gay?'

Currently i'm laying sprawled out on my bed and debating whether or not to delve deep inside myself and find enough energy to walk to the fridge. This is due to the fact that my lunch consisted of a double decker, a freddo, and a clump of butter soaked bread from Brad's bacon sarnie (not the most appetizing thing on the menu. Oh and in case you didn't notice <-- check out the alliteration ).

Tommorrow, should be more exciting though, Yes, you guessed it im going to see 'Harry potter and the half blood prince' god! just saying it makes me dribble a little bit. Come on, a writer like JK Rowling who created this huge franchise, that basically consists of; a scrawny looking child who discovers hes a great wizard by a hairy giant (who also stars in cracker ;) i know my shiz), a fat cousin, an uncle with a tash, an aunt who looks suspiciously like a camel and a gay headmaster. Oh not forgetting the no nostrel voldemort.... wow, if you can turn all of that into a multi million franchise with god knows how many book sales, i dont mind joining the band wagon and going to see it.

The only thing i'm not looking forward to however, is getting in.... first of all, its harry potter, lots of screaming fans with t-shirts saying 'you can use your wand on me Harry' and carrying a picture of daniel radcliffe from equus (he was naked in it :S), then, the fact that its the first screening, isn't very pleasing at all. i'm scared for my life, ive got this vision of me falling out of the cinema with torn clothing, popcorn in my eye and branding a straw on the verge of madness
screaming 'evada kedavra' to all the kids who happy slapped me in the que to get to the front.

Anyway, i am going to see it tommorrow so wish me luck (pleeeeease) and i'l be blogging about it when i get home.... Hope you enjoyed the post folks.

God Speed
CFV o

Michael Jackson, Death and Nonsense

So im sat here, with Aimee Gough, and shes doing her art project on old Jackson, it got me thinking........something i don't do often so i decided to write about it. Aimees talking bollocks and im having to listen to her, so im just writing, dreading when she sees this and thrashes my arse ;)

So basically im not really writing about jacko, just filling the page with nonsense that runs through my mind. I was just wondering how harsh it must be for your face to be plastered all over the papaer, after your dead, see Michael, never got any good press lately yet as sppn as his head hit the pavement BOOM! 'Long Live Jacko' well its too late now Daily Star cos hes conked it! I could just imagine some of the headlines poppiong up after my demise, 'Farr-Varney's Final Moments' Which would probably consist of eating a double decker amd showing my mother the contents of my mouth because shes on a diet. Another one 'Fam0us Farr-Varney chokes onm double decker while mother watches laughin and taking photos for facebook' thats the most likely scenario. Nah, i hope i die in quite a respectful honourable way, like saving an old lady from a cooplands truck or tackled by a doped up smirf.

So im quite depressed now and have realised that i have another hour before my granfather picks me up in his beautiful car and drives me to macdonalds (fingers crossed)

God Speed
Signing out, CFV o

Embarrasing Moments and Work Experiences

So, this post today is influenced by the pride i'm running on because of a compliment i recieved from my media teacher. I was debating on what to write about when I then realised, i actually had something to talk about, that although it was the most embarrasing moment that has ever been inflicted on me, but again, quite hilarious (Especially for my mother who nearly crashed the car when i told her, while simultaneously almost wetting herself).

Yesterday, was my first day doing my work experience. I was excited, at the prospect of experiencing a real career (and also because i had the excuse to buy new clothes and was looking pretty damn proffessional). Although the work i was doing, was just being an assistant for one of the teachers at my school i was still looking forward to it. I had a salad prepared, a rare occurance for me seen as though my usual pallette involves grease and fat, i had a fruit salad and even one of those cereal bars you eat in about 3 seconds. Along with this my mother had decided to put me on the volvic (That she calls the 'volva') challenge seen as though her earlier attempt failed and she caught me downing yazoo behind the summer house. It was then the volvic decided to betray me and i felt like my bladder was going to combust, i knew i was allowed to use staff toilets so i went in, noticing a strange looking object fixed to the wall.

2 hours later

I was doing good, i was feeling good, lunch was upon us and nearing to the time where i could eat my delicous and home prepared sainsburys salad. The volvic and my internal organs though, had failed me once again, so i dashed to the staff toilets, my friend waiting outside the door and oblivious to that fact that she could have protected me from the horror i am about to reveal to you.

i had dashed in the door, but there was another. I opened it slowly, eyes buring from the sweat on my brow, it was then i saw him. Him. A teacher from school, one who used to teach me geography, zipping up (i didn't see anything except his zip) I was stood there for what seemed to be hours analyzing the fact that i could not tell the difference between toilet signs and that my life would never be the same again. It was then he said

"Ladies are the ones next door, Charlotte"

So, thats my tale of horrific events for the day (all true) i suppose it wasn't horrific as it seems, infact its become sort of an ongoing joke in the humanities department, some of them involving comments such as;

"Did you not notice the little man on the door"

"Maybe in the comment section of your work experience report i should put 'cannot read signs"

or "I'm going to the toilet now miss" "Okay Charlotte, remember its the one with the stick girl in the skirt won't you"

and soon to be probably around the whole school. Maybe one day when i enter a room, there shall be a smart arse who says;

"Zip up people, Charlottes in the house"

CFV o